Celexa

Lately "things" have been very hard for me.  Just thinking about hanging out with friends makes me stressed.  I need to nap every day.  I'm short-tempered.  I feel like my brain is mush.  Doing anything makes me stressed.  Going to church, being around in crowds, makes me panic.  I can't keep up with housework.  I eat.  All the time, I eat.

All of this, and I am exercising regularly, eating more fruits and vegetables than ever before, taking vitamins, getting decent-ish sleep.  I should be fine, right?!!!  So I feel guilty.  Guilty that I'm being a "bad Mom", "bad Wife", "bad Friend".  Guilty that despite my charmed life I still feel miserable.  And that guilty feeling is overwhelming.

I was talking about things like this to a friend of mine, and she said, "yeah, that's kind of how I get when I'm off my meds."  And I remembered back to the last time I felt this way.  Ahhhh, yes, one of the symptoms of depression (for me anyways), is that I conveniently don't notice it when it's creeping up on me.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

Fatigue and decreased energy

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

Irritability, restlessness

Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable

Overeating or appetite loss

Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

So, a few days ago I rooted through my medicine cabinet and found an old bottle of Celexa.  It had a refill, so I got it refilled.  I bit the bullet and took the pill.  And hopefully, in a few weeks, I'll feel better.  And hopefully this time I won't stop taking it because I feel like there's something wrong with me.  Or that there's something wrong about taking anti-depressants.  It's funny because I have NO problem telling other people that meds are okay.  But I have some sort of double standard for myself.

I also called and got an appointment with a therapist.  Which also makes me feel dumb.  But I'm told that therapists can be helpful.  I personally have a hard time whining about my problems when it seems like many people in the world have it much worse than me.  But who knows, maybe it will help this time around.

And in the meantime, if you see me out and about, come over and chat.  Force me to small-talk (which I hate), and remind me that life is good.  Because, really, it is.

I think!